By Anel Conradie
If only it were easy to breathe-through-pain, it would be so much easier to go on with life when you’re at the lowest part of yourself. Instead, most of us choke and fear that the emotional suffocation is the only way out of our misery and the heaviness of empty “nothingness.”
It seems too difficult to breathe when you are struck down at the lowest part of yourself – when you are crouched under a heavy cloud of lead, which seems to infiltrate your very core. The funny thing is that you continue to walk around, breathe and smile and look as if everything is fine…BUT…inside, you are suffocating, until there is nothing left to feel.
This happened to me a couple of months ago. I realised that all my passion for life and creativity has literally been hauled out of me. It happened quite gradually, and before I knew it, I was stuck in the black and white picture of routine. After a very stressful and draining fight to get out, during which I also lost my unborn baby, I came to the end of myself and realised: there is absolutely nothing left inside.
Nothing left to feel.
It had all just slowly died.
Facing the pain of death is something that can rarely be put into words, yet, it is such a common commodity, that it cannot, not be talked about. When you are at the lowest part of yourself, you are forced to face yourself and to deal with your collateral damage. Breathing air into that which is dead, has to be one of the most difficult, yet life-giving, things anyone can ever do.
My breath is writing.
The most challenging part of this whole journey is to face yourself – to admit to yourself what had happened and to know where you are at in the entire process of finding yourself again. Being honest with yourself about what had died inside you, acknowledging the fact that your passion has died, that your motivation and excitement for your life has died, that your baby has died…that is the most difficult part. Every. Single. Day. For as long as it takes to move on.
It is only once you take that step of acknowledgement and allow yourself to grieve about what has happened, what has been lost, that you can start the restoration process. This is different for everyone, and whatever you need, however much time you need, if you want to fully recover, and one day live out of a place of abundance, you have to allow yourself the time. Firstly, to grieve; and secondly, to breathe through the pain of death, unto restoration.
Be more gracious to yourself than the cruel heart that ticks according to the social mantra of “time is money.” Healing of this utmost delicate kind, cannot be bought, cannot be rushed, cannot be forced. Whatever you feel, however you feel it, be honest with yourself. It is only through honesty, and allowing yourself time to process and breathe fresh air into this loss, that healing will slowly spring forth from the ashes.
Anel is a freelance writer, editor and proof-reader. With a background in teaching English literature and language she now pursues her own writing career. She is an Alumni of Stellenbosch University, in Cape Town.
Growing up in Namibia, Anel has a deep appreciation of the vastness of nature which echoes the vastness of humanity. “I love to write about the complexity of our humanity and that which forms our very core identity.”
Anel has been married for 7 years and has one daughter. The journey of being a wife and a mom has also inspired her to write about, and share, her own experiences. She is currently working on her first book: “10 Lies we believe about marriage.”
Visit her blog or follow her on social media.
Two Drops of Ink: The Literary Home for Collaborative Writing
Our published contributors enjoy becoming a part of an established, award-winning blog. They gain exposure from our ever growing audience. In turn, we gain the audience that they bring with their writing. Join the Two Drops of Ink family. Read our submission guidelines and send us your submission.
We have more than 20 wonderful contributing authors who have been published on this site. Check out their bios. Read their work. Visit their sites. Check out our list of ‘Published Contributors.’
Sell your book from our page, ‘The Book Shelf‘