It’s Hump Day Humor time! This week, we are once again contacted by Agent 54, our favorite slapstick, alien (or not *wink*) reporter from the great celestial cesspool. Enjoy!
Agent 54 here again. I got to review a tape of Blitzed Wolfer recording his first interview in his new series titled The Warrior’s Studio. Looks like this is going to be a very interesting feature on CAN (The Cable Ass Network). Here’s my summary.
Scene: On a stage, there are just two comfortable chairs set up for one on one interviews. Blitzed Wolfer is seated on the left with his question cards and his guest is on the right. There is a small studio audience.
Blitzed Wolfer: Welcome everyone to the first of my new series on interviews called The Warrior’s Studio. I’ll be bringing you fascinating insights from warriors who come from all over the Universe. Please welcome my first guest, Captain Carl Splatdorfman of the Rebel Alliance’s 1254th X-Wing Fighter Squadron.
Audience: Polite applause for Capt. Splatdorfman.
Capt. Splatdorfman: Thank you, it’s a pleasure to be here and the food is great.
Audience: Some chuckles.
Blitzed: Oh, did you enjoy the fair in our Greenroom?
Capt. Splatdorfman: (loud belch) Burrrrp! Oh, I should say I did.
Audience: Muffled moans.
Capt. Splatdorfman: Yeah, you don’t get Muskrat Parmigiana like that when you’re patrolling out in interstellar space.
Blitzed: Oh, Capt. Splatdorfman, I doubt it was Muskrat. More likely it was chicken.
Capt. Splatdorfman: Yeah, whatever, it was mighty tasty. Hey, call me “Splat”. Everybody does.
Blitzed: Okay, do they call you “Splat” because you splatter your enemies?
Splat: Uh, no, not really. Uh, I dunno why they call me “Splat”. What the heck! It’s better than being called “Carl”.
Blitzed: Really? What’s wrong with being called “Carl”?
Splat: Boy, these questions are tough! Anyway, you know that Assistant Greens Keeper in the movie Caddyshed?
Blitzed: That’s Caddyshack.
Splat: What Cadillac? Ha! Got ya! Boy, I’ve been telling that joke for 20 years and it never gets old.
Audience: More moans and some groans.
Blitzed: (slightly annoyed) Yes, how amusing.
Splat: You’re welcome. Anyhow, you know nobody wants to be associated with that half a dumb-ass, Carl from Caddyshack when you’re out there battling The Empire.
Blitzed: So tell us about some of your more exciting and dangerous battles with The Empirical Forces.
Splat: Yeah, in a minute but, right now I could go for a cold brewsky. You got any in that Green room? (getting up from his chair) I could just run over and get us a couple. You want a brewsky?
Blitzed: NO! Please sit down. There are no alcoholic beverages in the Green room.
Splat: You sure? Have you checked that mini fridge? Seems like a waste of mini fridge if you ain’t gonna put beer in it.
Blitzed: Please! Let’s get back on topic. Tell us what it’s like to be in a firefight with the enemy?
Splat: Yeah, well, uh, you know, uh, I don’t really know.
Blitzed: What do you mean?
Splat: Well, uh, you know, space, space is really, really big. So, you can cruise on patrol for light years without seein nothing. Hey! You know why they call it a “light year”?
Blitzed: (slightly annoyed) Why?
Splat: Cuz it’s got half the calories of a regular year! Ha, ha, got you again. Man, I’m having a blast. Hey Blintzed, let’s go get some brews and chicken wings after this, wadda ya say?
Blitzed: I doubt it. Splat, what about all those decorations on your uniform?
Splat: You like that? My mom did it. Hey! I should call her to go out with us for brews and wings. Yeah, that’ll be fun.
Blitzed: So, you’ve never been under enemy fire?
Splat: Enemy fire? Uh, nooo. Shoot! I only fired my own weapons twice. Once by accident and the other time I shot at a UFO that startled me. Hey! You know what they call UFOs in interstellar space?
Blitzed: (slightly annoyed) What?
The two men stare at each other in amazement for a few seconds, while the audience stares at them in amazement too.
Blitzed: Well, I’m afraid we’ve run out of time. I’ll see you next time on The uh, Warrior’s Studio with a much better interview.
Splat: (getting up to shake Blitzed’s hand) I dunno, I thought it went pretty good. (shouting to the audience) Hey! Who’s up for Brews and Wings? Alright! Let’s go.
Wow! What an insight to the Warrior’s mindset. I’m glad Splat is on our side.
Agent 54/Timothy Hecht
Agent 54/Timothy Hecht
Agent 54: Is a regular guy. He has a sense of humor and an active imagination. He works for the Nominal Secrets Apparatus (NSA) under the DORD (Department of Redundancy Department) as a Listener/Reader. His job is to read, view or listen to data collected by the NSA and determine if there is a risk to national security. He reports to his bosses, H. Cuffs and Max (Agent 86). He doesn’t take his job too seriously because he knows he’s spying on regular people most of the time.
His blog: http://agent54nsa.blogspot.com/
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