By: Agent 54
Agent 54 here again, and Saturday was Kentucky Derby day in America and that means funny hats, Mint Juleps, and horseys.
I always wanted a pony. I never wanted a racehorse, just an old steed with no name as a buddy so we could wander around the desert together.
Anyway, I got to spy on a group of friends who were wearing funny hats, sipping Mint Juleps, and discussing the event. Here’s my report.
Scene: The building looks like a large stable, but, inside it’s a horse racing-themed bar with lots of wood furniture, wooden bar, and lots of pictures of horses and jockey and lots of horse racing paraphernalia on the walls. A group of friends occupies most of the bar, and are discussing the upcoming race.
Donkey: “Oh boy, I can’t wait to bet $100 on “McCraken”. You know, Tim McCraken was a mean Ice Hockey player in the old movie “Slapshot” and I think “McCraken” is a mean horse and it takes a mean horse to win The Kentucky Derby.”
Flicka: “It doesn’t take a mean horse to win the race. It takes a fast horse. Hey Donkey, where’d you get that stupid hat? Man, it looks like a dollar store shower curtain.”
Donkey: “What? I got it at the race track gift shop. It’s a nice hat. They said everyone would be wearing them. Why ain’t you got no hat on?”
Flicka: “Sheesh, hats are for domesticated animals.”
Mr. Ed (to Flicka) “Whoa there. Well, aren’t you Mr. Wild and Free. I got a hat on just to feel like more of a part of the festivities. Nobody cares what it looks like.”
Baba Looey: “Si, a fancy sombrero is just part of the fun. Say Mr. Donkey, isn’t it your turn to buy the next round of Tequila?”
Donkey: “Indeed, it is my turn to buy, but, we ain’t drinking no Tequila. Bartender! A round of Mint Juleps for my friends. I love Kentucky Day and I love my new hat and I love Mint Juleps.”
Silver: “A good hat was always very important for the Lone Ranger. Now, Donkey’s hat choice was very smart. He knew we’d be drinking all these Mint Juleps today. With that hat, Donkey never has to worry about having a place to puke.”
All the horses, donkeys, burros, and mules in the bar crack up laughing except poor ole Donkey.”
Donkey (under his breath) “I don’t care what they say, this is a nice hat and I ain’t ever gonna puke in it.”
Trigger: “Don’t let them get to ya, Donkey. They’re just kidding and their hats are no better than yours.”
Flicka: “Mr. Ed’s hat is better if you’re into hats and running with the crowd.”
Silver: “Yeah, forget the hats. What do you guys think of “Fast and Accurate” in this race? He’s getting 34-1 odds.”
Trigger: “Fast and Accurate”? Is that a horse or a secretary in the steno pool? I like “Gunnevera” at 9-1.”
Baba Looey: “Si, “Gunnevera” is going to win the race.”
Trigger: “Right you are Baba, give me a hoof-pump” (Don’t try hoof-pumps at home!)
Flicka: “You guys are nuts! “Untrapped” is gonna ride a wave of pure Freedom to victory and make me very rich at 80-1.”
Mr. Ed: “Yeah, then you can buy that house in the suburbs you always wanted, eh Flicka?
Flicka: “No way! After “Untrapped” wins, you guys will never see me again.”
Baba Looey: “Oye, do not quit your day job, Mr. Flicka.”
Everyone at the bar cracks up laughing again. It’s after the race at the same bar with the same friends and everyone is a little wetter, a little drunker and a little poorer.
Donkey: “Man, I knew I should have bet on number 5. Number 5 has always been my favorite number. Cinco de Mayo has always been a favorite holiday. Yeah, number 5 all the way.”
Mr. Ed: “Yeah Donkey, I guess “McCraken” wasn’t all he was “McCrakened” up to be.”
Silver: “Yeah, “McCraken” sounds like something you get for breakfast at a fast food place, not a fast horse.”
Baba Looey: “Mr. Flicka, I’m sorry “Untrapped” didn’t win. Do you need Quickdraw and me to help you find a new job?”
Flicka: “Buzz off, Shorty. That race was fixed by the same corporations that enslave you guys and you don’t even know it.”
Trigger: “Yeah, well, turns out that “Gunnevera” was a real refugee from the glue factory.”
Silver: “Yeah, and “Fast and Accurate” was actually “Slow and Sloppy”. Hey, Ed, you’re a know-it-all. Who’d you blow your money on?”
Mr. Ed: (slurring his words) “Shoot! I paid $20 for a tip for the name of some nag that I’m not sure if it really ran in the race. I think I had too many Mint Juleps. Hey, Donkey! Quick! Gimme your haaaaat!”
Donkey: “Get your own damn hat! This is a nice hat. I’m keeping’ this hat and I’m gonna wear it every day to remind me of the fun I had with my friends here today, damn it!”
So, don’t feel bad if you couldn’t pick a winner, none of this equestrian gang could pick the winner, either. Congratulations to “Always Dreaming” and better luck next year to the gang.
Agent 54/Timothy Hecht
Agent 54: Is a regular guy. He has a sense of humor and an active imagination. He works for the Nominal Secrets Apparatus (NSA) under the DORD (Department of Redundancy Department) as a Listener/Reader. His job is to read, view or listen to data collected by the NSA and determine if there is a risk to national security. He reports to his bosses, H. Cuffs and Max (Agent 86). He doesn’t take his job too seriously because he knows he’s spying on regular people most of the time.
His blog: http://agent54nsa.blogspot.com/
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