Hump Day Humor: Ego Illumination

By: Grundy Pumpett

Note from Marilyn L. Davis, Assistant Editor:  Leave it to Grundy. He’s cogitating, confabulating, and well, confusing the rest of us. But I promise you, reading this will be eye-opening. His take on the human ego may not match Freud’s, but his portmanteaus might just give new meanings to the expression, Freudian Slip.

Yo…it’s the Grundy Pumpett, figmenteer not from here.  Once againsalucky day for you humaniks!

I’m thinkin’…(insert think right here, quietly!) eyes shifting left, right, left, right, etc., index finger vertical against lips, slouched back in chair)… … … … … …

(OK, proceed) (where was I?  Oh, yeah) I’m thinkin’ you can relatabate to the subject of…ego.  It is on everybody’s mined.  Yessssssss, it is about you, and you, and yurself, and yore udder selves, you hims and hers out there – all you earthbowend humaniks!

There sinfinite verbility about ego, read all about it in the mulitudes of sighko books.  Most of those, bye theway, were written to satisfy the arthur’s eehgo…didn’t fool me there, they abslatooly didn’t!

There xzists only two aminal ego’s in your world. Uh-huh, that’s no type-o, you read it right – too, t-w-o, (2!) eehgo’s!  You have that nummer noggin-locked? (there might be atest).

OK, first you have to unleash them cliches you’ve armbraced about ego’s, cheezy dribble like… “prowd as a peekock”, “magmunificent as a lyon”, “Lady Godiva Diva”, and that ittyodic, obnauseous, comparsion to a rooster.

Remembur that number?  Eh? Good on you with that two cuz it reprezents all the egos in the world!  What duz that mean, only two?  What do the sighintists say about only two? (Grundy is bilding tension here – takes a minit). Shudders and sweats erupt just thinkin’ about it!  Hmmm, certainly makes one dowtful yet, also cureyiss.  Getting warm in here.  Zounds…is only two possebull?  I wonder what…(OK, OK…that should be enough tension…next parrygraf).

Ach!  That tension is so exzawsting!  Bye now, I ‘spect you’re just jijijitery with expectulation about the names of those two singular egoasms in your world, eh?

Here ya go, scooter – hego’s, and…shego’s. Yup! It be none other than indeepinnedent humanik he/she egos.  I know its dificult to accept but simmerin’ is the key.  In tyme, that fact will root inyer brain bog.

Think ’bout it – how many peepole dew you no that don’t have eegho’s, eh?  (Think, tink, theenk…) That’s watt I guessed – your number is zeerow! So, there you have it – airy person owns a freelance ego, airy person iz a he or she, total population of hego’s and shego’s! Awww, pfooey tells you, I betcha.

You’ll be taking that pfooey back (which wood look like this – yeoofp) before the end of this sit-down drama!  Why?  Because I have indeeskribeabully fantastic looneyverse powers imbedding incredibble common scents onto yore brain, which readily accepts absorootly and udderly inarguabull factual bafflegab!

Humaniks are thinkers, which is the only differenchial between them and beasts. Animanimals don’t have ego’s…no, really…nope…huh-uh! They don’t! This inkludes those pets of yours,  keykat and pawpaw!  No, no, no…don’t disargue with me about your pet this ‘n that!  I see its nessasairy right here to give away one of  my seekrets – I speak animal dyelects. Hokay, that fact has been launched into the humanik looneyverse in plain anguish rangledge.

The Grundy don’t occupy a hego. I see you’re smirkin’over that, so…here’s my bulletproof factoid: have you ever heard me splurt “do you think I’m too handsome for my hiedth?” That’s right, you hasn’t, because I hazzent. It ‘unnesesesairy, un-needed as a left-handed sock!

However (related factoid insert here!), my ruddy buddy, name of Solympic, behaves opposite.  His excuses are…he won every A-ward in all 67 games at the 3092 SolYmpics in Darkside, DenzOrion.  He actually did!  Now his heliuminated ego is inskinned, which is a first for an alien!  Frinstance…he never one-eyed (where he comes from they have only one eye) he never one-eyed a mirror he couldn’t seduce! So, that’s an xzample of alien hego, awkward azzit is to admit.

Looney Verse Down.

For liability reasons, Grundy was forced to include the following disclaimer: “not responsible for smoke damage incurred if grammar/spell checker is enabled when reading this work on your personal computer”.

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  1. Once again, Slug does not disappoint, and once again, my mind cannot conceive how Slug’s mind so easily makes these words flow. Thank you for the entertainment! Looking forward to the next piece…

    • Hi, Mandy. Glad it was enjoyable for you. Grundy, from the alienation, is always full of it!

      Thanks for reading and your positive comments.

  2. LOL. What a mind. I can hardly read it let alone write something like that. Good job 🙂

    • Hi, FFB. Will have to admit that, once in a while, Grundyspeak is somewhat difficult to decipher. However, I’m always up for a challenge!

      Thanks for reading and the positive comments.

  3. Slug, I am amazed at the amount of effort and talent it must take to write a piece like this – and all without an hego 🙂 I agree with you that animals do have hegos – I speak a little of their dyelect as well – but shhh….don’t tell anyone – I don’t want to look like I have a shego 🙂
    John, why don’t you make us an audio reading? Would be fun!
    On a serious note, Slug – Great piece!
    And on a curious note – Did you have to turn off spell check to write it!?! I had a heck of a time commenting with my iphones autocorrect!! 😂

    • Hi, Terry. Imagine my amazement as I transcribe Grundy’s alienarrative…he exists, operates, in a different plane.

      The audio rendition would indeed be fun!

      Mossback that I am, my only word processor is Wordpad…doesn’t contain spellcheck nor any other irritating grammar griper. Certainly a plus for translating Graundy gab!

      Thank you for reading and commenting – sincerely appreciated!

  4. Hi, John and Grundy. I remember Walter Brennan and tried, oh how hard I tried, to sound that masculine. Alas, I couldn’t, but do appreciate that added touch to the piece, John.

    • Hi, Marilyn. Walter would be right at home speeching Grundys diatribe! As for masculine voice, or a deeper singing voice, I always consumed lots of beefalo. Maybe it’s just a male thing, tho’.

      Thank you for the comment.

    • HaHaHa! John…I can certainly equate Walter Brennan’s voice with the piece. I tried it – you are right, it adds just the right flavor!

      Very appreciative of your reading and commenting on this post.

    • Glad to hear the draft provided you with some enjoyment. A chuckle or two is indeed the goal!

      Thank you for reading and commenting.

    • So pleased that you enjoyed this draft. Evoking a chuckle or two is the mission for the day!

      Thank you for reading and commenting.

    • Hi, emptynestmomma. Grins are good, Grundy is pleased! Mission for the day is a few chuckles.

      Thanks for reading and the positive comment.

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