By: Grundy Pumpett
Note from Marilyn L. Davis, Assistant Editor: Leave it to Grundy. He’s cogitating, confabulating, and well, confusing the rest of us. But I promise you, reading this will be eye-opening. His take on the human ego may not match Freud’s, but his portmanteaus might just give new meanings to the expression, Freudian Slip.
Yo…it’s the Grundy Pumpett, figmenteer not from here. Once againsalucky day for you humaniks!
I’m thinkin’…(insert think right here, quietly!) eyes shifting left, right, left, right, etc., index finger vertical against lips, slouched back in chair)… … … … … …
(OK, proceed) (where was I? Oh, yeah) I’m thinkin’ you can relatabate to the subject of…ego. It is on everybody’s mined. Yessssssss, it is about you, and you, and yurself, and yore udder selves, you hims and hers out there – all you earthbowend humaniks!
There sinfinite verbility about ego, read all about it in the mulitudes of sighko books. Most of those, bye theway, were written to satisfy the arthur’s eehgo…didn’t fool me there, they abslatooly didn’t!
There xzists only two aminal ego’s in your world. Uh-huh, that’s no type-o, you read it right – too, t-w-o, (2!) eehgo’s! You have that nummer noggin-locked? (there might be atest).
OK, first you have to unleash them cliches you’ve armbraced about ego’s, cheezy dribble like… “prowd as a peekock”, “magmunificent as a lyon”, “Lady Godiva Diva”, and that ittyodic, obnauseous, comparsion to a rooster.
Remembur that number? Eh? Good on you with that two cuz it reprezents all the egos in the world! What duz that mean, only two? What do the sighintists say about only two? (Grundy is bilding tension here – takes a minit). Shudders and sweats erupt just thinkin’ about it! Hmmm, certainly makes one dowtful yet, also cureyiss. Getting warm in here. Zounds…is only two possebull? I wonder what…(OK, OK…that should be enough tension…next parrygraf).
Ach! That tension is so exzawsting! Bye now, I ‘spect you’re just jijijitery with expectulation about the names of those two singular egoasms in your world, eh?
Here ya go, scooter – hego’s, and…shego’s. Yup! It be none other than indeepinnedent humanik he/she egos. I know its dificult to accept but simmerin’ is the key. In tyme, that fact will root inyer brain bog.
Think ’bout it – how many peepole dew you no that don’t have eegho’s, eh? (Think, tink, theenk…) That’s watt I guessed – your number is zeerow! So, there you have it – airy person owns a freelance ego, airy person iz a he or she, total population of hego’s and shego’s! Awww, pfooey tells you, I betcha.
You’ll be taking that pfooey back (which wood look like this – yeoofp) before the end of this sit-down drama! Why? Because I have indeeskribeabully fantastic looneyverse powers imbedding incredibble common scents onto yore brain, which readily accepts absorootly and udderly inarguabull factual bafflegab!
Humaniks are thinkers, which is the only differenchial between them and beasts. Animanimals don’t have ego’s…no, really…nope…huh-uh! They don’t! This inkludes those pets of yours, keykat and pawpaw! No, no, no…don’t disargue with me about your pet this ‘n that! I see its nessasairy right here to give away one of my seekrets – I speak animal dyelects. Hokay, that fact has been launched into the humanik looneyverse in plain anguish rangledge.
The Grundy don’t occupy a hego. I see you’re smirkin’over that, so…here’s my bulletproof factoid: have you ever heard me splurt “do you think I’m too handsome for my hiedth?” That’s right, you hasn’t, because I hazzent. It ‘unnesesesairy, un-needed as a left-handed sock!
However (related factoid insert here!), my ruddy buddy, name of Solympic, behaves opposite. His excuses are…he won every A-ward in all 67 games at the 3092 SolYmpics in Darkside, DenzOrion. He actually did! Now his heliuminated ego is inskinned, which is a first for an alien! Frinstance…he never one-eyed (where he comes from they have only one eye) he never one-eyed a mirror he couldn’t seduce! So, that’s an xzample of alien hego, awkward azzit is to admit.
Looney Verse Down.
For liability reasons, Grundy was forced to include the following disclaimer: “not responsible for smoke damage incurred if grammar/spell checker is enabled when reading this work on your personal computer”.
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