By: Marilyn L. Davis
Who and What Do You Judge?
I have known for a long time that the unattractive, spine broken, musty-smelling book might be full of important wisdom, just as the glossy, over-hyped bestseller may only entertain; it's the same with people. Click To Tweet
When I was nine, I had a school assignment to write a paper on important men in my life, and I could not use my father. I wanted my Dad to know why I couldn’t write about him and why I had selected our then-president, Dwight D. Eisenhower.
Starting with how much I knew about history, governments, and presidents and how important they were, I knew I could convince my father to help me, as he graduated from college with a degree in history.
My father stopped me and asked if I heard a noise in the distance. I replied that I just heard the trash truck coming up the road in the dismissive manner in which children, or unfortunately, many adults, can have when they want to get back to talking about what is important to them.
Meeting the Important Men in my Life
He told me that I was right about the noise and that as soon as that truck got in front of our house, I would get to see several important men in my life. He explained how the trash collectors helped make his life easier since he did not have to haul our trash somewhere and could spend his weekends with us.
Because he traveled, our weekends were valuable family time with him and us. My mother would have to burn the trash without the trash men, and my Dad said that worried him.
Since these men helped him so much, he wanted me to learn to value the contributions of all individuals, not just a president. I got his point, and we walked to the side of the road.
They Didn’t Know They Were Important to Us
When the men jumped down from the truck, I approached them. I asked their names and told them I wanted to write about their valuable contributions to my life. It took a moment for my request to sink in, and one of the men started laughing and said, “No one outside of my family thinks what I do is important, and they only like it ’cause it puts food on their table.”
At the time, I did not realize the significance of this statement. However, it goes to the heart of judgment and perspective on importance. If we perceive something or someone as adding value to our lives, we evaluate it as worthwhile or essential, but the outer trappings can still influence us.
Learning and Using Lesson One
I learned that day to expand my perception of importance and value, which has served me well in gaining knowledge, learning ways to accomplish my goals, and getting words of wisdom from seemingly unlikely sources.
I have tried to practice this message with my children and grandchildren, starting with, “Do not judge a book or person by the outside cover,” an old English idiom which means “You shouldn’t prejudge the worth or value of something, by its outward appearance alone.”
As an avid reader, I know that there is a lot of hype around bestsellers, but it’s still some of the old classics that enrich my reading life. It’s the same with many of my possessions.
Don’t Judge Me by What I Drive
We are judged by what we wear, where we live, and what we drive, and we can get caught up in new and shiny.
The reality is that I can get to Atlanta in my beat-up old truck, or I can borrow a BMW or a Mercedes from my daughters. If any of these vehicles are in working order, I’ll get there, but I’ll wager that other drivers on the road make assumptions about me solely based on my mode of transportation.
I should probably get that bumper sticker that proclaims to everyone behind me that I’m not what I’m driving today if I’m in the truck. We rightly or wrongly think and assume that others judge us by our possessions, appearance, or occupations.
Neither my truck, the BMW, or the Mercedes accurately reflects what is inside the vehicle or within me.
Years after the garbage truck lesson, I was asking my Dad about some business issues. He asked me about resources to help me correct a problem. I told him that the only person available didn’t appear to be located in an upscale section of town, even though they’d been in business for over twenty years.
He laughed and said that if any person had been in business for twenty years, they were doing something correctly. Maybe the counselor had reasons for locating his practice there. Dad challenged me to look at success differently that day.
Thirty years ago, we didn’t have internet gurus that promised to tell us what, when, how, and why on “everything-we-need-to-know-to-be-successful-appealing-sought after-and-rich.com/net/org” or the equivalent, but my Dad suggested that I make an appointment with the counselor and pay him for consulting with me.
Success is in the Eye of the Beholder
I learned that day that his business started in that simple house because that was what he could afford, given his student loans. Over the years, he realized that counseling individuals of modest means brought him emotional satisfaction. He knew that many of his clients didn’t have transportation, so he chose to stay in the same location. This decision allowed him the discretion to charge less for his services.
He pointed out that he paid attention to comfort, both physical and emotional. He created a warm, inviting atmosphere in his waiting room to relieve some of the stresses of divorce, addiction, or abuse. His small koi pool entertained children and calmed adults.
Since it was a house, he remodeled the kitchen to let his clients make tea or coffee before their session or enjoy the homemade baked goods from a local bakery.
He hired staff attentive to the clients and who understood customer service, and they graciously helped with forms. They were courteous and unhurried, something that his clients needed.
Clients, Not Location, are Important
His policy on the schedule was to give each client one hour of talking and counseling but leave 20 minutes on his appointment book at the receptionist’s desk until he saw the next client.
If someone needed more of his time, he could give it without looking at the clock and know that his next appointment was predictably in the waiting room or the kitchen.
If their session only took an hour, the twenty minutes gave his staff time to help that one person with billing or scheduling their next appointment in an unhurried manner without a lot of people overhearing their conversations.
People started appreciating the scheduling because they knew they would see their counselor within 10 minutes of their appointed time; they felt respected that their time had value to him, too.
I came away understanding that success was not all about location, location, location, so don’t judge where someone works, judge their works.
Resources in Your Backyard
Try looking at the people in your life from a different perspective, if only for a week. Value their important contributions to your life. Click To Tweet
Take the time to listen to the messages that people give you, the knowledge they are sharing, and do not determine the worth of anything because you judge the outer cover to be of no importance or insignificant. Each person has experience and knowledge, and asking them to share what they know has enriched my life more than I can say.
You may get answers or solutions from unexpected sources if you listen. We are sometimes dismissive of the wisdom offered because of our lack of awareness or commonality of experiences. I learned that the man who butchered the English language and was missing teeth offered me some of the best advice in my early recovery. But only when I took the time to listen to him and not judge his north Georgia mountain-man appearance.
Don’t Judge Wisdom Because It Differs from How You Think
My uncle, a man very similar to Euell Gibbons, was also a proponent of wild foods. Uncle Alva did not buy anything from a grocery store until he was in his mid-fifties, and that was a loaf of bread as my aunt was not feeling well and didn’t bake that day.
He would take us into the woods on his property in Indiana and teach us to find ginseng, edible mushrooms and help us gather the buckets from his maple trees. The sugar camp had huge cauldrons for cooking the sap into syrup, but it didn’t stop there. He made us maple cream, maple nuts, and homemade maple candy, sometimes made in metal molds, or the syrup drizzled on the snow and left to harden into what he called snow candy.
His garden would feed multiple generations of my family, as well as the fish he caught and the bees he tended. His knowledge of the land and what it offered us didn’t stop with food sources; it extended into the past with knowledge of the Native population that lived, worked, and died on this land.
As a young man plowing the fields for the first time in the late 1800s, he found the arrowheads, grinding stones, and the most important to him, banner stones of those who had walked this land before. His prized possession was a rectangular stone with a carving of a young brave and a fallen deer. Although the proportions were not correct, it was carved with pride.
His artifacts would entertain his relatives and the school children when he would take them on field trips to his property and provide them with a picnic from his garden.
When Uncle Alva was about 85 years old, we were at his house, sitting near the entrance to the root cellar. As a small child, I was afraid to go down into the cold, dark space, but later, I liked the smells. After reading The Hobbit, I knew that the cellar would make a wonderful hobbit-hole.
Produce from the summer was stored for us in the fall and winter months. Shelves had jams, jellies, and honey from his bees. There were baskets of beets, turnips, carrots, and herbs hanging from the ceiling. Apples, potatoes, and pears were off in another area; he wouldn’t mix things, and they needed air so they wouldn’t spoil, so they were arranged in ventilated drawers.
Wisdom Comes from Experience and Innovation
I asked him why he continued to do things in such an old-fashioned manner. He thought about it for a minute and said it was because he knew what he was doing, that he was staying as true to nature as he could, but that he was going to learn to make freezer jam as that was a modern approach.
My uncle had a lot of wisdom but was not afraid of innovation, and I noticed that he had many new flowers growing in his garden; he didn’t usually give so much space to flowers, so I asked him why he had so many that year.
He told me that he knew that the marigolds keep bugs away from his tomato plants but that he had recently planted nasturtiums, petunias, and yarrow to help. Then he laughed and said maybe there were new things to learn because my 9-year old cousin had told him about the petunias and nasturtiums.
Pass the Torch Of Knowledge
My 23-year old granddaughter – willing to ride in my truck, captain of her college soccer team, volunteer at a nursing home; updater for the children’s bulletin board at the hospital, and friend to an eclectic mix of kids, makes an effort to live a non-judgmental life.
She takes wisdom from me, the internet, her parents, her classmates, and her professors. Nor does she predetermine that the outsides represent the whole, so she is open to learning and being educated from many sources.
Her willingness to ask questions for understanding is impressive. When she was 15, she participated in a weekend-long seminar for EMS personnel. When I asked her if she felt uncomfortable being the only teenager with a group of adults, she stated that she would enjoy getting the 411 from experienced people. She is now the voice and the actions to emulate, and she doesn’t judge, either.
She has a younger brother and two cousins that she can influence, and that is also part of how messages are most effectively given and received by children. They listen to their peers.
It will be her leadership, actions, choices, and message of “Do not judge a book or person by the outside cover” that ends up being “way cooler” than Nana’s, and I’ll bet she has more influential men in her life than just a president, too.
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Marilyn L. Davis is the Editor-in-Chief at Two Drops of Ink and From Addict 2 Advocate. She is also the author of Finding North: A Journey from Addict to Advocate and Memories into Memoir: The Mindsets and Mechanics Workbook, available at Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Indie Books, and Books A Million.